Less than three full months from beginning to end. It is clear that our emotions were tossed to and fro by the ongoing changes in Skip's emotions, state of mind, and physical condition. Having no real advance notice of the next change. While dealing with the current issues the next phase was already moving in and so it went. Never a warning or indication that things had changed when we were looking the other way. Somewhere in there was a struggle to remain sane. To hold out for hope.
I prayed for healing. Complete deliverance from both the tumor and the cancer in his kidney. Always tacking on the end of the prayer, "but your will be done". To this day I don't know how to do that, how can you pray a prayer with faith and certainty that is double minded. I was covering my bases, trying to agree with God's plan, what ever it was. Did I believe he could heal Skip completely, yes, did I think he was going to, no. Simple as that.
Even today I don't what I would have done if my girls hadn't stepped in and taken up a banner. Each doing what they do best in each situation and circumstance. I was kept busy like a robot, moving from one thing to the next, unaware of changing gears, unaware of making decisions. In some situations I hid and in others I looked as though I was on top of things but in reality, inside, I was operating as though I was in another world.
I do remember not knowing what to do. I was looking for direction, listening for answers. And, this was about every little thing that happened throughout each day. We had a memorial service and the girls orchestrated the whole thing. They each came to me asked me questions about what I wanted and if what they had decided was okay with me. It was the right thing to do. Before we stepped out the doorway to walk into the sanctuary and take our seats I took off my wedding rings and gave each of the girls one ring. I wanted to be without the wedding rings from then on. You know, I can't really explain anything I did or any decision I made during those days. Even trying to remember now is like watching a movie. Watching someone else.
I want to add here, before I finish this entry, a comment that continues to be part of my story. I don't know how anyone makes it through such a life altering event with out knowing Jesus as savior, God as creator and Father, and the Holy Spirit as comforter and so much more. Without them holding me together and ministering to me all along the way I cannot imagine how I would have survived it. Thank you Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
And, thank you for reading. Blessings....Judy