I'm guessing it took loosing my husband to cancer for me to have sufficient time to think. Thinking about him and me for 10 years has highlighted some very interesting things. At the time, in the midst of situations, conversations, feelings, and emotions I believe thoughts are formed, judgments made as truth. I think once that happens, as life goes on, you stack things on top of each truth you've crafted. Kind of sorting and putting thoughts on a pile, building a judgement and evidence to prove that presumed truth. Stay with me here, I think this is gonna work out for good. I'll give an example.
I didn't understand how my husband could watch gory, blood and guts movies. Of course those kind of movies usually are rated R for violence and language. So here's how. I was looking at it through my life experiences. Here it is folks....He lived alone in fear of death, painful torture, in fear of what his body would look like if he lived and if he died. The circumstances were horrific and on going, day in and day out. A Marine, far away from home in Viet Nam. I think he became numb to those fears and the sights and sounds. Watching a movie wasn't even close to the realities he had seen and experienced. Here's my part....misplaced judgments and thoughts based on comparisons to my own life when there was no comparison.
After all he experienced in Viet Nam, living back home in the U.S. was nothing by comparison.
I don't mean to sound like it's okay to blame trauma for things done after the event. What I am saying is that my perceptions of his thinking and actions, were based on MY experiences and thoughts. In plain English...he was wrong a whole lot of times...a judgement and often the need to fix him followed.
I think the thing I've seen in this is the opportunity to allow my husband to be himself, to be who he was. In spite of thinking I knew I wasn't his Holy Spirit the evidence proved otherwise. Part of loving is cherishing the person as they are, not for who you want them to be or hope they will be.
I'm so very glad that the Lord continues to teach me in all areas of my life. When I first realized that I was blaming my husband for not being up to my standard, (even the idea that my standards were higher than his is an indicator) I was open to appreciate him more. Funny that could happen after he is gone. My heart and memories are fuller and I can say I cherish his memory and I continue to learn more and more about him and us even now.
This has been a big part of my recovery from grief and ability to move on in my new life as a Senior. In healing, some bandaids had to be removed so that the air could get to the wounds. Jesus is my healer and my deliverer, and He cherrishes me.
|My Village Enterauge|
near Kigali, Rwanda, Africa
Senior, Single, and Widow. Blessings..... Judy